On Moving On and Letting Go

I've had a really crappy year so far.

I tend to keep things pretty light and airy around here, but sometimes you just have to talk about it. Maybe some of you can relate.

Many of you probably know that my husband and I spent the better part of the spring and summer house hunting and trying to buy a place. House hunting can be quite a rush of emotions. I was happy and excited, but also anxious and nervous. I was so looking forward to redecorating the 1960s masterpiece we were purchasing, painting, and buying more furniture to fill the space. I was also excited to be making a smart financial move. We could buy for less than we were renting, and it would obviously be a great investment. Everyone told us it was a great time to buy. Prices were still low, interest rates hadn't gone up let, plus we were eligible for a super affordable VA loan due to my husband's prior military service. What could go wrong?

We were 10 days from our closing date when we got the fateful call from our loan officer. Guess what? We can't actually give you a loan because you've been at your current job less than 2 years. Never mind that you've already spent all kinds of money on a home inspection, deposit, and moving costs. Never mind that half your apartment is half packed up and you've already given your move out notice. Too bad. End of story.

I was heartbroken. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and God works all things out for good, but you can bet I wasn't buying it in that moment. I wanted to move so badly. It was right there in front of my face. And then it was gone.

But life moves on. We took a week to regroup, and started looking for other rentals. After another week of looking we soon realized that we weren't going to find a decent place to live on our budget in time. Thankfully, our apartment manager took pity on us and let us rescind our notice. After all that drama, we were right back where we started.

At this point I was just...done. Emotionally spent, I asked my husband if we could just take some time to relax and not think about moving for a little while. It was mid August by then, college students were moving back and rentals were hard to come by. We agreed that we'd wait, and take our time finding the right place for us.

Fast forward a few weeks. My parents just sold their farm, the place I grew up. I knew it was coming. They'd been talking about it for over a year. It's a good move for them. I'm excited for them, excited for the new place they have picked out. But it is really stinking hard to say goodbye.

I was 8 years old when we moved there. It was where I came home to after I was diagnosed with diabetes. Where I fought with my siblings. Where I learned to drive. Where I had my first kiss and got married. It's where all my memories are. And it's gone.

I didn't realize how much I depended on this place until recently. Jeremy and I have moved around a lot in our short marriage. The only constant we've had over the last 3 years has been change. I find myself craving consistency, a place to rest. And my parent's home has been that for me. Every chance to we get, we head north to spend a few days on the farm. It's a familiar and comforting place to be, and I'm having a hard time imagining not being there anymore.

I know it's just a house. Four walls. The truly important thing is the family that lives there. But it's still ridiculously hard to let it go. Just when I think I've made my peace, the tears start again.

I don't know what the end of this story is. But I am learning that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to mourn and grieve and cry. It's ok to admit that thus far, 2013 has been a rather crappy year.

I am very tired. I need a vacation. I'm not going to get one, but instead am taking comfort in the little things. I'm so thankful for pumpkin-everything season again. Nothing says comfort like a pumpkin chai. Our needs are getting met in unexpected and amazing ways. Unexpected medical costs are somehow getting taken care of. My new baby nephew will be here soon and I cannot wait to welcome him.

I'm finding that through it all, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Congrats if you made it to the end of this novel. :-)

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